Summer Movie Preview 2013!!!

Summer-Movies-2013-Most-Anticipated

I used to watch movies all the time in college but ever since I became a stupid adult and have to do stupid adult things I rarely have time to watch any. This summer, that changes. I’m seeing everything. And after taking a brief look at what comes out this summer it inspired me to break away from my usual sports rants and talk about the upcoming summer releases.

Check them out. FYI-each title is a link to a trailer for that movie

Iron Man 3

Already released

I’m so happy that we live in an era of phenomenal superhero movies. We had the three Tobey Maguire Spiderman movies (ok the third one which had weird emo undertones sucked but the other two were great), the X-Men trilogy and a couple spin offs (I still maintain that X-Men: First Class is the best prequel of all time), The Avengers made an estimated 70 billion dollars, and the three Christopher Nolan/Christian Bale Batman movies might be the greatest trilogy ever created. There have been some clunkers (The Green Hornet I’m talking to you) but superhero movies have basically taken control of the action genre if not the entire movie industry. So needless to say I’m jacked to see the next Iron Man movie. I think everyone agrees that Robert Downey Jr. was born to play Tony Stark and makes the dialogue of these movies as entertaining as the do-it-all robot suit he invented in a cave (don’t think too deeply into any superhero movie).

The Great Gatsby

May 10th

We all “read” this book in high school at some point. We all “wrote” a “persuasive essay” on the book’s “theme”, whatever that means, yet I have a weird feeling that no one really knows what this movie is going to be about. The previews look crazy intense but does anyway remember The Great Gatsby being all that gripping? Me neither. But Leo’s in it so I’m in. I would watch him in anything. Everything he touches turns to gold. I have a man crush on Leo and I’m not afraid to admit it.

Star Trek: Into Darkness and Fast & Furious 6

May 16th and May 24th respectively

I’m gonna be honest, I have never seen a single second of anything Star Trek related. That being said, the previews for this movie (and the other JJ Abrams adaptation, which I regret not seeing) look great. There’s a futuristic mega city, futuristic acts of terrorism, a futuristic version of Harold from Harold & Kumar. What’s not to love?! I’m definitely going back and watching the first one just so I can check this one out. Plus this bit on Conan cracked me up. Ok, I’m going to admit one more thing to you. I have never seen a single second of any Fast & Furious movie (see why I paired these together). And since this one looks like how I imagine every other F&F to be I probably won’t ever see it. I do want to comment no one thing though. When are Vin Diesel, Tyrese, and The Rock going to start aging? These guys look exactly the same as they did ten years ago. Except now Rock looks like CGI hulk.

The Hangover Part III

May 24th

So we’re back in vegas, eh? So let’s check out the lines.

Over/under 1.5 times that Zach Galifabolousfunkymonkeyinakis appears shirtless.

Over/under .5 times we see Ken Jeong fully naked.

Over/under 2.5 times an unusual animal is involved (we’re already guaranteed a giraffe in the preview).

Over/under 5 times the first two movies are blatantly referred back to (“Haven’t we learned our lesson!!” or “This never works out for us!” are odds on favorites to be said verbatim)

I’ll take the over on all of them.

After Earth

May 31st

I’m a sucker for post-apocalyptic movies. They are probably my favorite genre behind post-Victorian epics. So when I found out Will Smith (another favorite actor) was doing another movie in this genre I was hooked. Remember how cool I Am Legend was? And it’s with his older, now slightly more mature son. Remember how sad and touching Pursuit of Happyness was? I am expecting nothing less than greatness in this movie! But wait M. Night Shyamalan is directing? Dammit. Hold on, the previews say that “Everything has evolved to kill humans.” Does that include plants? Damn you M Night! Look we’re just not into the plants-as-the-killer idea, GIVE IT UP! Ok, I went from being super jacked to see this to uninterested in one paragraph. Curse you M Night Shamalamadingdong!1.

This is the End

(sorry the only trailer I could find on YouTube that didn’t make you sign in first to verify age was backwards…deal with it)

June 12th

The guys from Superbad and Pineapple Express doing what they do best…playing themselves  in  movies. Literally. Seth Rogen, James Franco, etc. will be playing Seth Rogen, James Franco, etc. I know it technically makes them “bad actors” if they only excel as one type of character but I don’t care. Those guys crack me up and I feel like hanging out with them would be no different than watching Knocked Up and wishing I was hanging out with them. If I’m the only one that thinks these things while watching their movies I’m completely okay with that.

Man of Steel

June 14th

10-year old me hated Superman. 10-year old me thought it was unfair for one superhero to have EVERY power. It was boring. 10-year old me wanted some form of vulnerability, a weakness that wasn’t some rock from God knows where. He wanted to be sucked in by the fear of failure, yearn for victory, then cry the tears of redemption (I had very mature taste at that age. It has only regressed since then, I love fart jokes.) . In that sense, 23-year old me still agrees with 10-year old me but 23-year old me knows the greatness that is Christopher Nolan. If Christopher Nolan was a pitcher he would be coming off a perfect game with the Dark Knight trilogy, a 8 IP 9K outing with Inception, a quality start with The Prestige, and a CG, 10K with Memento. Whether my baseball analogy lost you or not, his track record speaks for itself. But at the same time no pitcher has ever thrown consecutive perfect games…just sayin’.

Monsters University

June 21st

Monsters Inc was a staple growing up. Or maybe it was a staple for my little brother in sister. Either way I’ve seen this movie a hundred times and still love it. Just like when I rushed to theaters for Toy Story 3, I will be doing the same for Monsters Inc. I will gladly pay $25-$50 for a ticket, a small bucket of popcorn and a small pop if it means I can feel like a kid again. I can’t wait to see Sully and Mike Wazowski again. I feel all giddy just thinking about it.

World War Z

June 21st

Remember when I said post-apocalyptic movies are my favorite movie genre? Scrap that. Zombies are my favorite movie genre2. And the ones in World War Z might be the scariest ones yet. We’ve seen zombies run in 28 Days Later and the remake of Dawn of the Dead but we haven’t seen them run like this. Imagine a zombie apocalypse where each one has Lebron James athletic ability and Kenneth Faried’s motor3. Terrifying. Absolutely terrifying.

 

Quick comments on other movies this summer that caught my eye:

The Purge (June 7th)-interesting idea for a movie. Better idea for Romney 2016

Despicable Me 2 (July 3rd)- The first one was cute but I was too old when it came out to make a deep connection with it.

Lone Ranger (July 3rd)- finally, a movie where Native Americans are exploited.

Pacific Rim (July 12th)- Transformers meets Cloverfield? I’m sure it’s just gratuitous violence but it could be worth $9.50 in 3D.

Grown Ups 2 (July 12th)- I know his movies are pretty terrible these days (Zohan, Jack and Jill) but the first Grown Ups wasn’t bad for a family movie. With that being said, I think the sequel will tank.

The Wolverine (July 26th)- I can’t get enough X-men movies. But when are we going to get a Gambit movie? That’s the real question.

 

  1. Another thing that bothers me about After Earth’s trailer is how they say humans haven’t been on Earth in 1000 years and that everything has evolved to kill humans. That’s not how evolution works! Species don’t evolve to kill things that don’t exist. As soon as a trait stops helping a species get its genes in the future it works its way out of the genome. The Earth would not evolve into a world of apex predators that wait for Humans to return. Although this does make a good movie plot….oh I get it now.
  2. You can make the argument that zombie movies are a subgenre of the apocalypse genre but I’m not listening. There are two genres in my opinion: Zombie movies and everything else.
  3. C’mon do you really think I can go an entire blog post without mentioning basketball?
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