The sporting fans Guide to Breaking Bad and some NFL news

Last night I was able to watch my first ever LIVE episode of Breaking Bad. For a month I’ve been binge watching every episode on Netflix, and then the episodes I proactively DVR’ed knowing I would need them later, so that I could do that. And kind of just so I could say that. I’m a huge fan of Breaking Bad and watched exactly ONE live episode and it was the series finale. Kinda cool. But anyway if you’ve never watched Breaking Bad, stop everything and watch it!!!!!! It’s dynamic yet always incredibly dark, and full of some of the most phenomenal TV acting I’ve ever seen.

And for those who haven’t watched it, here’s the sports equivalent of each character.

SPOILERS!!!

SPOILERS!!!

Walter White-Lebron James with Titus Young, Aaron Hernandez and Alex Rodriguez’s track records

This man genuinely scares me. But I also love him.

I would say he’s purely A-Rod in the fact that everything Walter does is narcissistic, and frowned upon by the general public, however, some people actually like Walter White. No one likes Alex Rodriguez. So I said he was kind of like Lebron James. He started as a genius overly qualified chemistry teacher who carried his meth team to great fortune (Lebron with Cleveland). But sick of working for others Walt goes off the deep end and becomes the most dangerous, two-sided character in television history. He goes on to do things so despicable that my girlfriend literally got angry with me when I said I liked him.

In sports terms he’s like Lebron James. LBJ was pretty much universally loved in Cleveland and then lost everyone’s respect after The Decision and the following playoff collapse. He then completely repaired his image by turning into the most successful player this side of Jordan, putting out a ton of great commercials that portray him as a nice person and loving family man, always being perfectly well-spoken in interviews and always showing great respect for the game. And on top of that he’s an unselfish lover[1]. Well , imagine instead of doing all of that he goes off the deep end instead. He gets a DUI like Miggy Cabrera, he gets arrested three times in a week like Titus Young, continuously puts his foot in his mouth like A-Rod, cheap shots people on a regular basis like Ndamukong Suh, and then murders some folk like Aaron Hernandez. That’s basically a regular week for Walter White.

Jesse Pinkman-Cleveland Fans

What do you mean we traded Trent Richardson?

Jesse, the undyingly loyal sidekick who gets shafted at every turn. His girlfriend overdoses next to him while he sleeps (like how the Browns fled town for Baltimore while the city slept), he has to shoot a guy in the face, he has a drug problem, his next girlfriend’s son gets poisoned, she gets shot and killed in front of him, he gets kept as a meth-making slave, etc. Much like anything Cleveland related, he gets the short end of the stick.

Mike-Shane Battier in the Heat’s last playoff run.

Mike was the consummate veteran who had an answer for everything. He was never the star but always contributed in every situation he was in, almost always leading to his side getting having the upper hand. However, he dies in the end at the hands of Walter “Aaron Hernandez” White.

Why is he like something as specific as Shane Battier in 2013? Shane Battier was, quietly, one of the most important players during the Heat’s 27 game winning streak. He sacrificed his body guarding power forwards much larger than himself so that the Heat could play small ball and Lebron could save energy guarding other people throughout the game. He didn’t get much credit but was as important as any player not named Lebron or Dwyane. Alas, when the playoffs came around, he was so worn down and beat up from the 82-game regular season that he was almost invisible and unusable in the later rounds. He averaged 25 minutes per game during the regular season, a little below that during the first 13 playoff games then played less than ten minutes in six straight games in the third round and finals. Just nothing left in the tank.

Look this article was a last second idea I had while driving home from work and this is all I thought of. That’s all I got. Sorry I’m not sorry.

On to things I actually know about. Pure sports.

END OF SPOILERS

With four games having been played there are only 4 possibilities your team can be at right now; 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 wins. That’s just science. Here’s the best and worst in each group.

No wins

New York Giants, Tampa Bay, Pittsburgh, Jacksonville

Best: Does this even matter? It’s like being the professionally athlete with the least number of illegitimate kids….you probably still have 3 out there. Giants just because they are still only 2 games back of division lead. NFC East is laughable.

I can’t be worse than Blaine Gabbert…am I right?

Worst: Being a 23-year old lifetime Lions fan I like to think I know a thing or two about bad teams. With this being said Jacksonville might be the worst team I’ve ever seen in my life. They scored 2 points and lost by KC by 26. Then they lost by 10 to Oakland in a game watched by a Guinness verified record low 4-people worldwide. That was followed by an offensive outburst of 17 points versus the Seahawkes who laughed all the way to a 27 point win. Things turned around when they returned home and lost by 34 to Indy. For those keeping record that’s three games with single digit points.

1 win

Oakland, St. Louis, Atlanta, Carolina, Minnesota, Green Bay, Washington, Philadelphia

Best: It’s a little unfair since they had their bye week and are 1-2 (all others have three losses) but I have confidence this team can turn it around. But, with an away game at Baltimore coming next week and two 3 win teams in the division, Green Bay might have to settle for a wildcard and last time that happened they won the Super Bowl.

Worst: From week one I have shunned this overrated Philadelphia offense but it’s hard not to pick the Raiders. They should be winless but luckily they played the Jaguars. The only thing that made this team exciting was Terrelly Pryor’s dual threat. At least Matt Flynn throws an average of 3.3 touchdowns per start in his legendary career…

2 wins

Dallas, San Francisco, Arizona, New York Jets, Buffalo, Baltimore, Cleveland, Cincinnati, Houston, San Diego

Best: Funny how both Super Bowl teams are in this group. They’ve both struggled out of the gate, SF reeling from a tough early schedule and Baltimore from a drastic change in the identity of their leadership. I’m going to say San Francisco is the better team though. They have lost to two playoff teams from last year (and beat one) while Baltimore just lost to Buffalo with a rookie quarterback (somewhere Ray Lewis is crying[2]). That’s what put me over the edge between these two. Baltimore won the Super Bowl but this is a “What have you done for me lately?” blog.

Worst

Trapped in a division with Seattle and SF is like being locked in a cage with a tiger. That’s why Arizona really has no chance. Coupled with the fact that Carson Palmer is their starting quarterback[3] and they have zero run game times will only get tougher this year. Especially with SF, Seattle, Atlanta, and Houston all in the next five games.

3 wins

Detroit, Chicago, Miami (I’m writing this during Monday Night Football but I think Nawlins is going to win at home), Indianapolis, Tennessee

Best: The LIONS!!! Ok maybe not. Chicago was the only quality team they beat, even though they stomped them for three quarters. Begrudgingly, I’m picking the Dolphins. Mostly because  this is with the assumption they lose on MNF so there’s a possibility they win and I look stupid and unprofessional[4]. But there’s a realistic and believable scenario where they win the AFC East for the first time since 2008. Another thing that stinks is if Miami wins and hands New Orleans their first loss this would be a great place to remind everyone I picked the Saints to win the NFC this year. Now I don’t have that opportunity.

Worst: I want to say Chicago. They could as easily have one win as three but the thing is they are healthy and growing as a team with their new head coach. But health is what’s making me pick the Titans. Jake Locker is out 4-8 weeks and his growth was a big part in their early season wins. I don’t know if Ryan Fitzpatrick will have the same effect. Locker’s athletic ability helped make up for Chris Johnson’s slow start, but Fitzpatrick’s notoriously weak arm will keep defenders that much closer to the box. The future could be dark for Chris Johnson, and thus, my fantasy team.

Undefeated Teams

New Orleans (might lose to Miami tonight), Seattle, New England, Denver, Kansas City

Everybody bow down to me

Best: How can you not say Denver? They’ve scored 37 points in EVERY SINGLE GAME THIS YEAR. To put that in perspective only seven other teams have done that so far this year and none twice (Green Bay, Carolina, Seattle, Chicago, Detroit, Indianapolis, Tennessee). They might put 70 up on Jacksonville in two weeks.

Worst: It’s not fair to label a team as “worst” when they have zero losses but the Pats don’t look scary. I’ve never seen them look this sloppy. In fact I’ve never seen them sloppy at all. Ever. But all of their rookie receivers clearly have things to learn. Everyone looks at that the return of Gronkowski as something that could jumpstart their offense (it will) but the loss of Vince Wilfork for the season will have just as big of an impact. He anchors that defense and his loss will open the middle of the field for their opponents.


[1] Things just got weird.

[2] Just kidding. When Ray Lewis feels like crying he just rips his eyes out and regenerates new ones like a newt.

[3] I think I’ve hated on Carson Palmer in every NFL article I’ve written for youshouldthinkthis. And I don’t see that streak ending anytime soon. STOP BEATIN’ MY TEAM WICHYA OLD ASS!

[4] More unprofessional than regularly hating on Carson Palmer, regularly referencing my fantasy team, openly rooting for my Detroit teams, talking about Aaron Hernandez as if what he did was joke, cussing in the note above, and insinuating that all professional athletes have illegitimate children. And that’s just in this article.

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